Thursday, January 17, 2013

Tour de Freakin' Doping!

Blogger's Note -- for the best live-blogging experience, scroll down to the beginning of the show and read "up"-- the entries below are posted chronologically backwards, like, um... fossils.


10:29 Oprah: "So... you wanna do this again tomorrow?" Lance checks cell phone "Hang on -- my bookie's texting me."

10:27 Lance: "I love cycling. People will think I disrespected the color Yellow." Oprah: "Yeah, I hate Yellow."

10:25 Another commercial. I don't think I have it in me to live-blog the alleged second half of this thing. Here's my prediction for tomorrow night's installment: Oprah: "What now?" Lance: "I am so screwed. It wasn't really my fault. But it was. I have A LOT of atoning to do. At LEAST four more TV specials' worth..." Oprah: "Want a job?"

10:23 Am I the only one here who finds that the word subpoena vaguely sexual?

10:22 Oh she's talking about George Hincapie. That guy broke my heart more than Lance, I think. Lance says he's the most honest voice out there. Well that's nice, I guess.

10:21 Whoa!! The vegetable stock downstairs needs to be turned off.

10:18 Lance: "It's hard to define victory." Oprah: "Yeah? I got a pretty good idea."

10:17 It's possible your blogging author is going to overdose on performance-enhancing almonds.

10:16 Oprah: "Did you not think this day was coming?" Lance: "What, January 14th?"

10:14 Lance: "He was like a spurned boyfriend! I rebuffed him after he came out." Oprah: "You didn't just blow him off?" Lance: "What exactly are we talking about here, Big O? I didn't shun him -- that's the Amish. Floyd's friggin' Mennonite!"

10:12 Oprah: "OK, what about Floyd?" Lance: "That dude was no good at avoiding the drug tests! That's why he lost his title immediately basically, and they took years to get to me."

10:09:30 Commercial break: Teaser for "Police Women of Dallas." now.... c'mon this is a no-brainer. Oprah and Lance are just down the road in Austin. Couldn't we have some kind of reality-enhanced combination? "Oprah's Next Chapter of Texas Lady Cops Kicking the Crap out of Lance Armstrong"???   Right?

10:09 Oprah: "So you called Emma a whore. What's that feel like?" Lance: "high-priced whore, Oprah.... high-priced whore."

10:08 Lance: "I talked to her for 40 minutes and I'm not telling you a fucking thing about what we said. Yeah, I talked to Frankie, too. We didn't make up. Fuck it. She's still crazy. I told her I never called her fat. I think she'd be OK with me sharing that with you."

10:06 Oprah: "OK punk, back to Betsy." Lance: "Well, I dated her once." Oprah: "No, FOOL!!! She was one of your most trusted lieutenant's wife. Remember?" Lance: "We sued so many people...." 

10:04 commercial break: 'Roided-out dancers in the 117th replacement cast of Broadway's The Lion King do their thing.

10:01:07 Lance runs from the room.

10:01 Oprah:  "OK punk, did you call Betsy Andreu?"

10:00 Hot Irish former masseuse relates how her character was completely assassinated by Lance. Lance says, "She's one of these people that I have to apologize to. She was... run over, she was bullied. To be honest Oprah, we sued so many people..... " "I have reached out to them directly to try and make amends."

9:57 Holy crap -- this thing's going until 10:30??!!

9:56 Someone's gotta tell Tyler Hamilton that he's not long-haired guy.

9:55 "Technically I only failed a re-test of the '99 sample in 2005."

9:55 After the 1999 prologue stage, Lance's pee was frozen. Awesome.

9:54 Stevie Nicks on Oprah next time? Wow.

9:50 Commercial break.  I got nothing.

9:49 "It was easy. It wasn't exactly a perfect world..... the winning was phoned-in." 

9:49 "The important thing is that I'm beginning to understand it"(that it was COMPLETELY FRIGGIN' WRONG!!!!!)

9:47 Lance looks up "cheat" in the dictionary and didn't think at the time that he was cheating.

9:46:15 Oprah cuts Lance with a matte knife

9:46 Lance: I didn't feel bad about it. 

9:45 Oprah: "So, you won 7 Tours." Lance: "Yeah." Oprah: "How'd you do it?" Lance: "I fucking cheated." Oprah: "Dude that's messed up." Lance: "Yeah it was lame."

9:42 Commercial break. Just enough time to run downstairs and replenish my supply of testosterone-laced almonds.

9:38 Oprah does massive bong hits.

9:37 Oprah tells Lance that if you're a jerk, fame makes you a bigger jerk. Lance says he was both jerk and humanitarian. He says  he deserves what he's getting. 

9:36 back to the present: Lance isn't lying. "But I'm not comfortable talkin' about other people..." 

9:35 Oprah goes to the video tape. Guess what?! Lance is lying!

9:33 "Dr. Ferrari is a good man! And he drives really freakin' fast!"

9:32 -- Can one really bathe in a scourge? Just askin'

9:30 -- Halftime. Mr. Clean ad on the commercial break. You know that mother's still doping -- look at his head! Are there no bathroom cleaners that haven't bathed in the scourge of performance enhancement?!

9:27 Lance basically says that there were only two times he couldn't control the outcome of his life: one was cancer, and one was, apparently, having to admit to his web of doping lies. Definite god complex goin' on here, but when you're the king of the Tour... 

9:25 "I tried to control the narrative...... I called them liars." Oprah: "I know the feeling." 

OKAY! Oprah didn't actually say that, but it made you laugh, right?

9:24 Oprah: "Are we talking semantics here? Are we talking semantics here? Are we talking semantics?"    Lance: well... maybe. Having said that..... splitting hairs..... Yeah, I was a bully.

9:22 "No, I didn't threaten Christian Valdeverde!!  There was a 'level' of expectation for them to be fit...... but I'm not the most believable guy in the world right now." --- this may be the most straight-up thing he's said thusfar

9:17 Oh thank you Baby Jesus -- it's a commercial break. I need to transfuse some whiskey.... Don't tell the World Blogging Doping Agency...

9:16  Lance says he didn't dope in 2009 and 2010 that the World Doping Hoo-Ha got that wrong at least.

9:12:45 Oprah buys Viacom

9:12:30 in order to demonstrate, Lance shoots up Oprah with EPO 

9:12 Oprah asks Lance to corroborate Tyler's story of syringe-dumping inside a tent with gobs of fans outside. She's pressing him for the details of "how it all worked." Lance said it was very simple.... oxygen-boosting drugs made a big difference -- he only took a "small" amount of EPO and testosterone that he "almost" justified by his history as a cancer patient.

9:10 Tyler Hamilton talks about "Edgar Allen Poe" as the code-word for EPO

9:08 "Smart, conservative, very risk-averse...... not as big as the East German program from the 80s" --- the apology is really an afterthought....

9:06 "The last thing I'll say......." Huh?

9:04 Oh Good. He understands that he called other people liars. He's outside of himself.

9:03 FRICK. All 7 Tours he doped. He says he couldn't have done it without the dope. We're the dopes....


What a surprise

Well, by now (and Happy New Year, all you Blaiserblogudlians; next month it's the Year of the Snake, you know, so make it a SSSSSSaucy one!) everyone with running water and an ISP knows that Lance has finally, more or less, umm...... well, it seems that.... (ahem). You see, everyone ELSE.....


I've always been a fan of this A-hole, even when I knew he was a complete jerk-off and Not A Very Nice Man. (I mean really, who mistreats Sheryl Crow, for Garsh Sake?)

I couldn't help myself. The undulating Blue Train of Lance's Postal Service squad, delivering stage after stage in the greatest bike race of all time, stopped by Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night--when apparently the entire TDF peleton merrily shot themselves up with liquified pork eyebrows--was too beguiling, too sleek, too.... um, fast as it turns out, to resist.

So the brother had his 7 Maillots Jaunes ripped from his zero-body-fat-shoulders; so the IOC said, "Vee Are NACHT Amuzed!"; so he can't show his face around the offices of the cancer foundation he, well, founded. I think I still dig him. Contributions to American cycling, fraudulently achieved or not, and the re-invention of the cancer money-raising model give him a bit of a pass. 

Think Johnny Damon, who will never pay for a drink in Boston again, due to his role in breaking the curse of 2004... (never mind the bastards who hired him next!)

Think American Second Acts. Think Eliot Spitzer getting (and losing) a talk-show gig. Hell, think Greek Tragic Hero. (OK, maybe not too hard, though, because it usually didn't end well for them...)

And join me, in a little under an hour, as I live-blog his Defining Moment of After It Came To Light That He's A Total Stinking Stinkerstein! 

It'll be great. What could possibly go wrong.