Thursday, April 1, 2010

Blaiser's Top Ten List of Things That Didn't Happen on April First, But Should Have...

Or, Meh...

Last year, at this time, I was more ambitious. This year, bloated on Easter candy, my sense of humor gasping for water like a bass flip-flopping on the dike of a pond, I've scaled back production on the April Fool's essay. Instead of presenting some of the Greatest April Fool's Hoaxes Ever, I instead go meh-ta*, and have collated a list of missed opportunities.

It's my hope you'll enjoy them:

Number Ten:

Keanu Reeves starring in any period piece is simply Much Ado About Nothing... 1993

Number 9:
George W. Bush backup singer and BFF Harriet Miers' nomination to the U.S. Supreme Court. (Oct. 3, 2005)

Number 8

Not one, but two future U.S. Governors appearing as paumped-up gladiators in The Running Man and giving eerie foresight of their uncompromising leadership acumen... 1987

Number 7

Nearly any opening of a Robert Ryman show in the last 20 years.

Number 6
The debut of the Segway + Forward-Thinking Law Enforcement = Crazy Delicious!
Debut of the Segway=Early 2002. Atlanta PD procurement of Segway=Early 2002 + five minutes.

Number 5

Any morning in which these guys collectively thought it was a good idea to leave the house.
Hipster Calendar 1/1--3/31 and 4/2--12-31
Number 4

First meeting of the exploratory committee for Curt Schilling's Senate run (2008).
Ann Coulter was turned on. Jesus was less committed, however, than he was to the 2004 Red Sox...
Number 3
The cancellation of Susan Powter,** whose television show was American culture's de facto last line of defense against "The Insanity." 1995
Number 2
Aaron Boone's shot (10/16/03), when he channeled...

 Bucky Freaking Dent (10/2/78), who was channeling...

 Chris Chambliss. (10/14/76)

And The Number 1 Thing That Shoulda Happened on April First?
If they weren't so darned serious, it wouldn't have been nearly such a great idea!
(see Hipster Calendar, above)

Thanks for reading. And always remember that just because you can put a frog in a blender, it may not, in fact, turn out at all well...

* Meh-ta  is when something references itself in a completely unispired fashion... For the moment, I'm taking coinage honors on this one. See also, Most Blogs.

** Anybody see Susan and Sinead in the same room lately? Just sayin'.


  1. susan, sinead and annie lennox... i wish i had a good head and nearly perfect features. i'd shave my head in a heartbeat!

  2. By the way, I was out of town on your blogiversary, so congratulations! And thanks for introducing me to Robert Ryman's work-it has changed my life!

  3. np - thanks! And Ryman... yeah. too profound for words.