Monday, March 1, 2010

The Maple Leaf Rag

or, Americans Allow Canadians to Sneak One By...

So, in thrilling fashion, our good brothers to the North won one for Le Gipper last night, at the desciptively named Canada Hockey Place, where they drink beers, wave flags and occasionally even do some ice skating.

Like most civilized peoples, I hate hockey, because I've seen how their fans behave. But I do love the Olympics, and j'adore a good rivarly. And it's not really a rivalry with our little brothers and sisters to the north (at last count, after Chantal Abromowitz gave birth to little Marcel, in Saskatoon this morning, there are only 34,018,641 within Canada's borders, or roughly the number of Indian customer service agents working for Sprint. (Three top executives in Mumbai seen here)

But anyway, the Americans lost last night, which is a funny way of saying they won the Silver Medal. I was a bit embarrassed, I have to say, when during the medal ceremony, our boys looked as though they had just returned from their fathers' funerals.
The only guy with a glint of a smile was, uncoincidentally, nearly the only guy over 30 on skates.

Old guys like Tim Thomas know how to savor the moment, because they remember when digital watches were pretty cool.

Alors, it was with his spirit in mind that I soothed my wounds this morning, like most angry, disgruntled American males, by listening to Alanis Morissette.

We at BlaiserBlog are proud to honor both one-half of our ancestry * and the Canadians winning their national sport with professional players, with the following: a re-working of "Thank U" by Alanis: (for maximum effect, play the video in the background while you scroll down and  read the new lyrics. Go ahead.... I'll wait.

how bout getting off these anabolic steroids?

how bout stopping being so damn polite?

how bout them transparent camouflage Mounties?

how bout that ever elusive moose?

thank you NHL

thank you totem poles

thank you Bare-Na-Ked Ladies

thank you Freddie P.

thank you Ghostbusters

thank you, thank you, Home Ice... **

how bout Vous not blaming U.S. for everything?

how bout me enjoying a donut for once?

how bout how good it felt to finally kick your ass?

how bout winning one medal at a time?

thank you NHL

thank you beer fridge

thank you really messed-up torch thing

thank you royalty

thank you Martin Short

thank you, thank you, Home Ice...

The moment I heard Leonard Cohen

was the moment I got that you weren't so bad.

was the moment Vous became cool.

how bout no longer being a doorstop?
how bout remembering she's not divinity?
how bout unabashedly smoking your stogies?

how bout not equating death with sharing?

thank you NHL

thank you Captain Kirk

thank you Cirque de Soleil.... ***

thank you Quebecois
thank you Jeopardy

thank you, thank you, Home Ice...!

* My grand-père was born in Bic, Quebec. Photo of Parc du Bic by Sheldon Brown
** Home Ice Advantage courtesy of Doug Laird
*** Creepy Cirque image courtesy of Cyn Passanante 

Thanks for playing along at home. And just remember, even though we have Mississippi and they have Mississauga, it don't mean that Clayton Moore couldn't kick the feathers out of Jay Silverheels any jour de la semaine...


  1. Canada did themselves proud. Since my husband was born there, I can't be too tough on them. All in all, I think the U.S did a terrific job. But the hockey game's last goal was struck by our own Pittsburgh Penguin, Sid The Kid. We didn't even mind so much because he is, afterall a Canadian, but he is also now a Pittsburgher and a hometown hero here.

  2. Quality, athletes are never happy unless they get that gold one!

    Can you also thank June from Halifax, Nova Scotia, for turning my younger self into a man back in 1991. That's four days I will never forget :-)

  3. thank you, blaiser, for making me smile! very cute... and message received.

    i don't get the big deal. i think damn near every player on the US team is of Canadian orgins, right? it was Them against Them...

  4. Godammit, we've got jazz, baseball, Madonna and Pepsi-cola! Let the Canadians have their hockey glory, after all they invented the crazy game.