Monday, February 1, 2010

When In Doubt, Land On The NJ Turnpike

Bless me Monday, for I have sinned. It's been seven days since I last kicked your ass, lest you kicked mine.

The air is cold, yet my sky is blue. Today is an excellent day to pay those outstanding fines, write your Grandma even though you're sending belated wishes, speak to the Judge, call your respective agents and negotiate a better tomorrow.

But let's stick to the present tense, even as time stretches around us, Einstein's rubber band, the dimensional rodeo bull that the Swiss make such elegant attempts to lasso to one's wrist.

Today I'm blessed to edit a posthumous manuscript, take a breath for those who can't. Drink coffee. Reconsider the sardine. Bathe in the programming of NPR, my daily glockenspiel of feel-good Lefty Love.

It's February One, and we liberate the Lachrymose Lagomorphs.

A traffic reporter achieved meta-Nirvana today by becoming one with his work, landing on the New Jersey Turnpike like a single-engine Sully, low on oil and high on chutzpah.

Appropos of nothing, here's a leg up on the very latest Smart Phone Aps, as we inevitably barrel ahead toward a future in which Andy Warhol predicted we would all have our own Tricorders:

(Here is where, if I were any good with art, there'd be some funny drawings. Portfolios now welcomed for in-house illustrator...)

The Fire-Extinguisher Ap Remember to sweep your Smart Device back and forth, aimed toward the base of the flames.

The Taser Ap Making the New York City subway ride so much more civilized...

The Toilet Paper Ap Forget leaves in the woods. You ain't been a real man til you've wiped your arse with an iPhone. Bundled with free Purell Ap

The Diner Equilibrium Ap Alters the molecular structure of your smart phone to take on the physical properties of that familiar simple machine, the inclined plane. Then simply slip under the foot of a wobbly table. Usage triggers a 15-minute loop of  "Chim Chim Cher-ee."

The Gentleman's Argument Ap End pointless pissing contests with friends and enemies with this handy little gem. Upon execution, a telecoping arm shoots out of your Smart Device's USB port, with an inflatable white leather glove on the end. On the pinky of the glove is a photosensitive fiber-optic camera that scans in front of the user, and directs the glove to identify the nearest male human and slap its face three times (you cad, you beast, you unearthly slob!)

The Fake Orgasm Ap In today's multitasking society, every little bit helps! If it's already fake.... why not let your Smart Device do the moaning for you, freeing up your actual voice to order pizza, program your voice-activated TIVO, or simply rest, in preparation for tomorrow's daily keening.

Thanks for reading, and just remember that if God had intended you to actually use your iPhone to fake orgasms, he would have given Jaime and Steve bionic nether parts.

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