Tuesday, November 10, 2009

The Longest Musical Piece Ever, or The Efficacies of Pumpkin Pie

Cubicle Zombie by Andrew Brandou

My Web surfing has been larthargic at best for the last two weeks, and so forgive an anemic entry here at BlaiserBlog. I meant to title this post with a third element--something about conspiracy theorists, but y'know, my better judgments conspired against me, and we're stuck with two. Perhaps it'll get better as we go.

Betcha didn't know that a 639-year piece of music is being performed RIGHT NOW, and now, and now, as we poured this morning's orange juice, topped off the dry-cleaning chemical wells and swallowed the Whopper du jour--having it our way at Burger King, hearing it our way at Fox News, and subesequently heaving it our way, after Burger King and Fox News have it their way with our upper gastrointestinal tract.

He's an ex--Navy Seal who is working through a proctology residency at a Hawaiian hospital--new this fall on CBS, he's Magnum, GI !!!

But seriously folks, there's an organ that was built during the 100 Year's War, just before Richard II was born (no, not the guy with the hump. That was the other guy)--nearly 100 years before Mozart was crawling up his mother's skirts on his way to the keyboard bench--in a cathedral in Halberstadt, then part of the Prussian province of Westphalia.  Time passed. Empires rose and fell. The area "enjoyed" Napoleonic management for a spell, and sometime later, weathered Allied bombing--still, the cathedral organ kept blowing. What better instrument, carryers of the avante-garde torch must have thought, for stretching a 20-something minute John Cage piece out to absurd lengths? The note changes in this piece seem to be happening about once per year--in 2008, one such change apparently drew a crowd of about 1,000, thus underscoring, if you'll pardon the pun, my lifelong hunch that most Europeans have too damn much time on their hands.

This "ambitious" undertaking is on track to swell to a rousing finish sometime around 2640, whenupon it'll be a global event for whatever's left of humanity; the baton will be no doubt be wielded by Buck Rogers IV; and the slow-music movement will have gained so much (slowly-built) momentum that Julliard scholarships will be routinely awarded to snails. Unless of couse, the ghost of Frank Zappa comes back and pulls off what the B-17s couldn't: blowing that mother to smithereens, just 'cause. We're all playing to an indifferent cosmic audience anyway, aren't we?

And now, in an attempt to cleanse the digital palate from the acrid bit of nihilism above, It's PUMPKIN PIE TIME, FOLKS!!

    Image Courtesy of Coulda Woulda Shoulda

Pumpkin pie is to Nic Cage* as conspiracy theorists are to _____________.

a) Harold Pinter

b) Harold of Hastings

c) The Old Grey Mare

d) The Old Gray Lady

Pumpkin Pie/Nic Cage/conspiracy related anecdotes gratefully received below. Thanks for reading, and always remember, if the Good Lord had meant for David Hasselhoff's pop music to chart as well here as it did in Germany, it would have been better music. Much, much better.

* There are things in life that people tend to love or hate, with no in-the-middle. Both pumpkin pie and Nicholas Cage, in my experience, fall into this category. Nic Cage, to my knowledge, is not related to John Cage. If anyone else shares this theory, by gum we've got ourselves a conspiracy!


  1. Try 400 years before Mozart was crawling, etc. Great piece anyway.

  2. Ack! Busted by my own mother. I feel like I've been intellectually grounded! You are quite right, of course: Wolfie lived from 27 January 1756 – 5 December 1791. Organ built around 1360. My last math class completed in 1986. Back to the Abacus, or better yet, I'll dig up that Texas Instruments "programmable" calculator from '86 and see if I can find batteries for it!